They're jokes
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
Some people call them glue sticks, but they're blue sticks.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
Why can't dinosaurs clap? 'Cause they're dead.
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.
Ooh, I wonder what's on this browser. *clicks* "How to tell your kid they're adopted."
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?
Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.
The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"
"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?
A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
What does a blondie and a shotgun have in common?
Give them a cock and they're ready to blow.