That jokes

A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.

"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"

What do you call a bird with no wings?

Moas didn't even know that existed!

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Yo mama so fat that when she was on the moon, she had it sent right into the abyss of outer space.

Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

What are two things that an orphan can’t have?

Two parents.

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

What do you call a banana that peels itself?

Appealing!

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.

What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

Using Pi, distract that fat kid next to you and copy his answers.

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.