That jokes

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

Yo mama so fat that when she was on the moon, she had it sent right into the abyss of outer space.

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

Whoever said that about me better pray!

A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.

"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

Why do orphans like going to church?

Because they actually get to say "father" for once.

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!