That jokes

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

What do you call a cow that no one likes? The mooser.

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?

A hipster!

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

Yo mama so short that when she plays mini golf, it's just called golf.

Did you know that lots of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

What do you call a midget that waves at you?

A microwave.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

Yo momma's so hairy that when the baby came out, it got rug burn.