That jokes

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."

Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!

Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?

They come with an Elon Musk.

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

What did the caveman say while seeing a reptile taking off?

Look at that dino-sour!

One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?

(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.

(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!

(Kid) Quit what?

(Bus Driver) Living.

(Kid) But it was a joke!

(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.

(Kid) Ok.

(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!

Me: Hey, how are you?

Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

Me: Ok, and their names?

Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

Me now hates my life. :)

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

Did you know that French fries aren't from France? They're cooked in Greece.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.