That jokes

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

Did you hear about the cemetery? I heard that people are dying to be there.

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

When the people that see you cry, that doesn't mean they miss you. That mean they scared of your onion breath! 🐑💨

Did you know that the "f" in "orphans" means family?

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

Yo mama is so fat that she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl and a plate and ketchup to the red zone.

Yo mama so fat that she broke the scale when she put one foot on it.

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

What do you call a midget that waves? A microwave.

I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

What is a good time for dinner, and what do I do? You can do dinner. Was that it?

Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team?

Because all of them that can jump, swim, and run are already here.

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.

What do you call a train that likes toffee?

A chew-chew train.

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Yo mama is so ugly that the Grinch fell out when he saw her!

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

What did the blind kid say after touching the emo kid’s hand?

“I ain’t reading all that.”