That jokes

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

There's two types of emo people:

1. People that cut side to side.

2. And people that cut up and down.

The most efficient is up and down.

An orphan made an Instagram. He did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

In his dream, some people gave the Hodja nine gold coins, but Hodja wanted ten. So he refused them. Suddenly, he awoke and saw that his hands were empty. So, he quickly closed his eyes again and said, "It's okay, I'll take the nine coins."

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.