Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?
They come with an Elon Musk.
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
Last words of the mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that noise?”
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?
Did you know that the F in orphan means family?
There's no F in orphan?
Exactly.
Don't do suicide, that shit kills.
That joke didn't land well, did it?
Why did the man fall into a well? He couldn’t see that well.
Your forehead is so big that your face touches your chin.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."
