Tell jokes

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?

It has an extra crumb-osome.

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?

Tell your mom I don't like waiting in queues.

They say there is strength in numbers. Tell that to the people in the World Trade Center.

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

I could tell a joke right now, but it's too dark.

Sometimes I look back at everything bad I have done. I tell myself it's ok, they're just telling me to keep myself safe :)

That's it, it wasn't a joke.

How do you anger a democrat?

Don't tell him the truth.

When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”

How do you know if an Asian is a failure?

Figure it out, because they'll all tell you their parents said they were a failure from birth.

What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?

Telephone? No.

Television? No.

How then? Tell a woman!

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.