Tell jokes

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?

Just tell them that it floats.

A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops." "She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

Pin drop silence in the class!

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mummy when she's drunk...!!!!"

Is your mom a virgin?

Mine is.

How am I alive?

You tell me.

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

I'll tell you a good joke. Stephen Hawking went for a walk.

How to kick a deaf person off the plane:

Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.

Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.

Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.

How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?

It doesn’t have a home page.

Roses are red, my pencil is blunt.

A parrot trapped on a roof keeps telling the fire crew to f*ck off!

How do you break an orphan's wall in their room in the orphanage?

Tell them to put a tally on the wall with a pen for every second their parents are missing.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

HELP! HELP!

TELL THE PRIEST TO STOP TICKLING ME!

I’d tell you a Chinese joke, but it’s wong.

A man sees a girl crying and asks her what's wrong.

The girl replied, "Everyone keeps making fun of me."

"You should tell your parents," I replied back.

The girl started crying even more. That's when I got confused and left the orphanage.

When a stranger keeps telling kids to kill themselves AKA the Stigg.

A guy in a white helmet telling kids to kill themselves.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

Don't believe what your school bully tells you.

Always take it with a grain of assault.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"