There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left!
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?
Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.
Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)
Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.
Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.
Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.
I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣
What game do zombies like to play?
Corpse and Robbers.
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
what is the fastest land animal? the last chicken in a Kenyan village.
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
