Survival jokes

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

A war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left!

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.

Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

What game do zombies like to play?

Corpse and Robbers.

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.

Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.

what is the fastest land animal? the last chicken in a Kenyan village.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.