Survival jokes

What game hurts you the more stages you survive?

Cancer.

Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies.

Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive.

Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out.

Wanna hear something that's the worst? He comes back for seconds.

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

What is Africa's most famous sport?

The Hunger Games.

I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

I found out how to gain millions of followers.

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

How do you help a starving cannibal?

You give him a hand!

A farm full of cows were bombed, and only two survived. All of the udders died.

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Holocaust victim?

Harry made it out of the chamber.