Survival Jokes

A French, a German and an Italian make a race to who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, which after a quarter of an hour comes out. Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally the Italian enters who comes out after five hours. The French: "But how did you do it?" The Italian: "I killed one." The German: "So what?" The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"

Chuck Norris gets paid 2m dollars a month training Bear Grylls how to survive in the “harshest conditions on earth”

You walk in to a old ran down house and you see that a light is on you walk over to the light and you see blood all over the room and you run to the exit to leave but when you get to the door somehow it is locked from the outside and you have no choice but to go in to the house more and you see another room with a light on so you go in when you go In “flip” all the light go off then yo7 see a bright light and then a screen shows up and it says “let the game show begin” yiu see other people next to you and they seem scared then a wall comes down yiu see a optical cores and yi7 go on and then a chainsaw comes at yiu and it misses you but the other kid behind you gets hit and dies

Part two comeing soon this is inspired by the scp foundation have a nice summer

The at three people in a plane it is about to crash there is trump,Obama,nine year old girl, but only 2 para- soots Obama says "oh my I need one I need to protect my family" so he jumps off! Trump says "oh I am the smartest man in the world I must take it" so he jumps off 9 year old- welp I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending

Doctor: u have cancer. Patient: will i survive? Doctor: prolly not

you when you face the boss the first time: :) you when dark souls boss music starts playing on the second phase: :( you when you ask why do you hear boss music: <( you when the boss goes straight to his final phase after 1 hit:

. . --------

Guess whos parents didn't survive?

Livs's parents

one day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said,"First time?"

Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?

Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.

Mr.beast challenge in Memphis be like last one to survive the shooting wins 1 million dollars

3 guys landed on a cannibal island. the Cannibal chef told them if you want to live to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to me and I will tell you what to do. so the first guy brings 10 apples and the chef said if you can shove all 10 of those in your ass without making a sound you can live. He was 3 apples in made a sound and they ate him. the second guy brought grapes. 9 grapes in and burs ted out laughing. The Cannibals ate him. then the first guy said why you laugh you were almost there. the other guy who had the grapes said I couldn't help it I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples.

I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave. Somebody went, damn that crashed harder than the twin towers. Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash

There was a house with three storey building 🏢 First one had Mexicans Second one had Africans Third one had white people Earthquake came But who did survive? 🤔 The white family Cause they were at work

there was 4 people a helicopter the one was trump one was a kid in 1st grade one was the a school teacher the lat one was the china leader there was only 3 shoots the china leader take one and jumps the school teacher says she has to teach so she jumps trumo and the first grader are left trump says i lived my life you take the last one so the kid puts on his backpack a jumps trump makes it out safe

If Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but there family died

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a street next to a theater; not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her; every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well, that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every tuesday - just to keep her spirits up.

One tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story, and decided to share his fortune.

Gentleman: I work as a magician in the touring show - today we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate - but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin.