Survival jokes
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours. Light him on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.
My bro had siblings who survived they could have helped him at any moment and now we have people around with the last name Hitler.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.
There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.
Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.
The French: "But how did you do it?"
The Italian: "I killed one."
The German: "So what?"
The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
If you give a man a match, he is warm for the night, but if you light a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life. :)
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away. So in turn, they try to swim to the island. The brunette swims 10 km then drowns. The redhead swims 30 km then drowns. The blonde swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.
😐😑
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?
Americans...
Guess whose parents didn't survive?
Liv's parents.
Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
What's the difference to a kamikaze and bin Ladin?
Bin Ladin survived when he went into a building. I have aids.
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.