Survival Jokes

Titanic: ight I need a place to CRASH tonight

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a holocaust victim? Harry made it out of the chamber.

Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?

Stop imagining!

If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?

Americans...

An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.

The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?

A: She hit an ambulance.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

There is a Mexican, white guy, a Jew, and a Black man on top of the Empire State Building.

First, the Mexican and the Jew throw themselves off of the building saying, "This is for my people!"

Then the Black man is next up to jump and says, "This is for my people!"

And throws the White man off of the building.

Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.

Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.

Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

What does Vin Diesel eat for dinner?

Survival Guilt.

Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

Man Cancer is so easy to beat, I'm already on stage 4

You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.

Think about it.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

What type of game is Africa playing at the moment?

The Hunger Games!

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"