Someone's jokes
Teacher: "If you're dumb, stand up."
Nobody stands up.
After some waiting, the teacher says, "Really? No one? There must be someone."
Little Johnny stands up.
"Oh, so you think you're dumb, Johnny?"
"Nah, I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
What do you call someone who is in an airplane crash who was a 2006 Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes?
Josef Vasicek.
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
Why do orphans come to me?
'Cause they have someone to call "father."
me in thanksgiving
I'm as bored as heck, someone wanna chat?
Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.
Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
can someone please tell what happened?
When someone asks you why you went bald, say it wasn't a choice. It just happened.
Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."
If someone says 67 one more time, I'll say 9/11 and swoop right under their feet like the Twin Towers.
What do you say when you hear someone tripping over at night?
Goddammit, Jamal!
My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.
You used to be someone’s sunshine, but sorry, the climate changed. 😂😂😂😂
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
You are playing as Ukraine in Military Tycoon, and then someone kills you. You see who killed you in nuke revenge, and it says "Putinmoserfucer2342."
My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
Someone who COUNTS BARS all day!