Someone's jokes

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool? Posiedown.

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

Inmate 1: Why are you in prison?

Inmate 2: I killed 4 people and robbed someone, what about you?

Inmate 1: I blew up a school bus.

Inmate 2: OMG, you demon! Were they autistic?

Inmate 1: No, they were Fortnite kids.

Inmate 2 (who is Muslim): Halelouia, we have found the messiah!

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?

When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"

A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT?

What do you call someone in a wheelchair with a gun? A rxd.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

What do you call someone who’s afraid of breaststroke? Chicken breast.

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.