Someone's jokes

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool? Posiedown.

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself…

A piece of cake.

How do you try to shout at someone on the bottom of the ground?

"Hey, sir! Are you dead?"

There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."

Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.

Why did the dick go insane?

Someone kept messing with his head.

Why do orphans like going to church?

They can actually call someone "father."

What’s the difference between someone who is high on the spectrum [and] low on the spectrum? At least I can write this joke.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

What do you call someone who is half a Jew?

Jew-ish.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.

Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.

But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

If someone wears black, say, "If you see someone wears black, they always be emo."

Why are orphans prostitutes?

So they can call someone "daddy."

What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?

"Baby, now we got bad blood."

So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

Tell someone to spell "Icup."

Answer: It will say, "I see you pee!"

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.

Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.