Shot jokes

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

What did Tupac's homies smoke? His ashes.

It would've been too tacky to take a shot in his memory.

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Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

I went to the orphanage and shot everyone in there. It's not like anyone will attend their funeral.

What did Rob O'Neill say before he shot Osama Bin Laden between the eyes?

"Go to HELLakbar!"

What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.

Did you hear about the Syrian guy that shot a bunch of people? He was Robert Kurd.

A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"

The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."

The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"

When do we think the Empire State Building is going to be shot down?

Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

Your forehead is so deep, not even curry can shoot from that deep.

Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.

What am I gonna do on the 5th anniversary of the Parkland shooting?

Shoot a load in you just like I shot those kids ;)

How many times was Osama bin Laden shot?

911 times.

When Hitler killed himself, he shot himself twice. The first one was Operation Barbarossa, and the second one was his death.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

I may not be your cup of tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot of tequila.

"I'd love to give everyone another shot."

Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.