Shot jokes
Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Q. What's the difference between a CEO and a deer?
A. You don't normally fuck the deer after you've shot it.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?
A. An ambulance.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
Did you hear about the Syrian guy that shot a bunch of people? He was Robert Kurd.
Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?
He shot a Ginger.
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What would Donald Trump be if he was Black?
Shot in the head.
Why do Black people not like country music?
Because every time they hear "hoedown," they think their sister got shot.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.
The statistician shouts, "We got him!"
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.