Short jokes
My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
Trump, must I say more?
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
There's two types of emo people:
1. People that cut side to side.
2. And people that cut up and down.
The most efficient is up and down.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Realizing you only put in 4.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?
Mother: He died.
Daughter: How did he die?
Mother: He never got recharged.
I once got raped. I was asking for it though.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!