Short jokes
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.
Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
Uranus, ur-anus, your anus. Anus is what's in between your two buttocks.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.