Short jokes

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

What does a transgender call his/her parent?

Transparent.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

What do tigers wear in the winter?

A striped sweater.

What is boring? Talking about boring things.

I like turtles.

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Jets versus towers, USA lost two.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.

Roses are red,

I don't know what is brass.

I tell myself,

"Don't touch grass."

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

What do you call a cut cucumber?

A guy with no legs.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.