Short jokes
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
"I'm a little piss baby!" -Dream
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
You're cheap; no one even pays attention.
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.
I like turtles.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.