Short jokes
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
What is Saturn's favorite movie?
Lord of the Rings.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
John
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.