Short jokes
It's always fun to take anti-depressants, you either choose to take one, or the whole bottle.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did Gandalf say to Mario? "You shall not pass!"
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!
What part of a vegetable can you not eat?
The wheelchair.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Welcome to Arby's, where your babies become our gravy!
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...
Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
What was the Twin Towers favorite game? Jenga.
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
Emos do take shots of themselves... not with a camera, though.