Short jokes

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?

Because they're the ones making the toys.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

Steven Hawking had dark humor.

Whenever he turned on his laugh effect, it diverted power from his screen brightness.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

Hatsune Miku is not from an anime.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.