Short jokes
Why do witches wear name tags?
So they know which witch is which!
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
Why do dolphins live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.
What do planes and offices have in common?
They both tend to cross paths at the wake of disaster.
What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
How to escape your black school teacher in detention?
(Easy)
Turn off the lights!
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
What's an upside of being an orphan?
You'll never get grounded again.
What is the female version of t-bagging? A clam slapping.
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits, bitch."
Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.