Short jokes
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
Why did Mexicans go to Area 51?
To show them what a real illegal alien looks like.
I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
How do you find out if your kid is gay?
Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon.
Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!
Orphan: You will?
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Why is a wet pavement like playing music?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.