Short jokes
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
What kind of bee can't fly?
A KOBE.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.
What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.
Why did Mexicans go to Area 51?
To show them what a real illegal alien looks like.
Yo mama so fat that she needs two watches for two different time zones.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.
If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The dwarf who couldn’t reach the doorbell.
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.