Short jokes
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
What's the difference between Paul Walker's car and a petite white girl?
There is no difference.
They both got split open by a huge log.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.