Short jokes
Sister: Why does shampoo have directions?
Me: 'Cause God made you.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
One day a son and his grandad were smoking.
Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)
Tired of having to cut your grass? Dye it blue, and it will die itself.
What did the math acorn say when it grew up?
"Gee-I'm-a-tree."
What's an emo kid's favorite movie?
Suicide Squad.
What do you do if a woman is choking? Pull out a few inches.
The Twin Towers traded planes with Afghanistan. The only thing is Afghanistan got scammed.
Life is like a bag of jellybeans.
Nobody likes the black ones.
Lucifer's so broke he can't even afford air conditioning units.
What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?
He thinks she should stand up for herself.
Your maw *microsoft shutting down noise*
Girl, you and slow are slower than a fairness.
Your forehead is so big that Mastermind thought you were his long lost brother!
Do you think Stephen Hawking could ever plug his Instagram or anything?
I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.
Why is everyone trying to make a big deal out of this? My family were only flying to Pakistan and crashed into 2 towers.
Me: What's the fifth month of the year?
Friend: May.
Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?