Short jokes
Yeestt?
That's the last time we park the TARDIS outside the portaloos at Glastonbury!
On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
I went out with this girl the other night. She wore this real slinky number. She especially looked great going down the stairs.
Real Pokémon.
Anxiety evolved into depression. Depression was the final stage evolution.
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo?
Head and Shoulders.
Why would you not let an elephant sleep in the same bed with you?
Because they stink and now the room smells like elephant shit.
Who is the coolest vegetable?
Rad-ish, of course!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance!
My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"
What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?
"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?
The boomerang is guaranteed to come back.
What’s your favorite food? Chode in the hole?
What is the difference between chocolate and sex?
I would rather eat the chocolate first and then make love.
What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?
"I'm totally dogging it today..."
Here via westwingman.net from Veep!
What do you cross with a cow and a tiger? (mooigter)
Hurricane Irma, it blows.