Short jokes

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.

How dairy!

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

I feel bad for the people who died in 2001. Those poor terrorists died doing their job.

What's the darkest point in the universe?

The inside of a KFC.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.