Short jokes
When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.
I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?