Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Perfect Jokes
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.
It's just true.
When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.
To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.
Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?
Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!
If you don't like orphan jokes, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON HERE??!!! WE DON'T ACCEPT YOU HERE!
If you saw an orphan, could you say where your parents at? And if they cry, just say, "hey here are your parents" then grab nothing. Perfect example.
What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”
Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
I've been told I've got a perfect cock.
She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
What is a kind thing to say to someone and what is a rude thing to say to someone?
Kind thing to say to someone: You are the most perfect you there is. Your outlook on life is amaz- (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ENOUGH!)
Rudist thing to say too someone: You more uglyer than my mama's boyfriend. You are a son of a b word! Okay that is so much rude and why you can say that to a tree but anyway not the point. Bonus: The world's most weirdest name to say to a girl, is Nutter butter, we know that's a weird *and* stupid name because she is not nutter or butter she is a person not a thing! Oh well bye!!!!
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
Normal person: "I'm perfect!"
Goth person: "Nobody is."
Chuck Norris trained Dude Perfect how to do it.