Perfect jokes

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.

It's just true.

Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?

I’m gay.

When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.

To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?

Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

If you don't like orphan jokes, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON HERE??!!! WE DON'T ACCEPT YOU HERE!

If you saw an orphan, could you say where your parents at? And if they cry, just say, "hey here are your parents" then grab nothing. Perfect example.

If the shoe fits perfectly, why did it fall off?

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.

What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”

Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".