Short jokes
Why did Sally decide to fly to school?
She couldn't drive.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
How many apps did he download?
Well, he did run out of storage.
John took a bath with bubbles.
Bubbles was a man.
Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?
What kind of pictures do turtles take?
Shelfies.
Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?
Who cares?
If 4 birds are sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many are still on the fence?
None, the rest fly away.
When your little brother hears noise from your room and you're the only one in it.
A bear is like your best mate, Harry.
If you stab them, they die from a stab wound.
Where do pencils go on holiday?
Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?
A spicket fence!
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
Why take a nap on the toilet?
Because it's a restroom.
Hi Andrew, this is Nick.
Levi and Andrew are fat.