Short jokes

How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?

Poutine with Russian dressing!

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

Student: Which end?

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Why do horses eat with their mouth open?

Because they have bad stable manners.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Immigration jokes just cross the line.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."