Short jokes
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
You are the reason double doors were invented.
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What did Hitler kill himself with? A "Nein"-millimeter.
What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?
They both finished the races.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.