Short jokes
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?
They both finished the races.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.
What is Wacko Jacko's favorite David Bowie song?
"Boys Keep Swinging."
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?
When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...
Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
You are the reason double doors were invented.