Short jokes
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks!
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
Immigration jokes just cross the line.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."