Short jokes
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks!
JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?
They both finished the races.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.