Short jokes

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?

Because their meat has to be in bread.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

What did one traffic light say to the other?

"Stop looking, I am changing."

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down!