Short jokes
Sister: You're so stupid.
Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!
Plastic bags look like you, dirty and fake.
Why did the egg hide?
Because it was a little chicken!
What kind of candy do astronauts eat in space?
Mars bars.
What is the shortest month of the year?
May, it only has 3 letters!
I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.
But the cancer patients aren't.
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
Why did the straight white caucasian male cross the road?
Because a black person was approaching.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite hobby?
Rolling on ice.
A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you..."
No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.
Explain Bear is always there for you.
I don't beat up midgets.
That would be punching down.
You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”
I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.
Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?
A. A backroom deal.