Short jokes
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
Your hairline is so big, I couldn't find the area of it on Jupiter.
Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.
You're so bald that Disney uses your head for movie scripts.
Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?
From the mace.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.
We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.