Short jokes
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.
There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.
I hope my teacher will be ok.
What is italian sausage?
The dick of a gay italian.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite dessert? Cream pie.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
What do you call the penises of gay men that are in wheelchairs?
Meals on wheels 😋😍🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭
Why do bees have sticky hair? They always use honeycombs.