Short jokes
Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?
Are you 7/11 or 9/11?
Why do witches wear name tags?
So they know which witch is which!
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days.
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see.
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
I think one of my dads might be gay.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
What do you call a Japanese car thief?
Tommy took a motor.
What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?
They both come with a toy.
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.
What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?
The washer doesn't take loads for free.