If jokes

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Like if you know someone is emo.

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

If Hitler had a cooking channel: Step one... Turn on the gas.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."