Short jokes
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
Why didn't the bear go to college?
Because bears don't go to college.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.