Short jokes
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"