Short jokes
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.