Short jokes
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.