Short jokes
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
What is a gathering of octopuses called?
Octoposse.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.