Short jokes
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
What's black, gold, and red all over?
Tupac in Vegas.
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?
It was quite a shocker.
What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
Mooning is very astrological!
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender.
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
I don't put ketchup and mustard on my hotdog, I relish it.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
Your mama is so old that she forgot her donkey on Noah's Ark.
Did you hear about Paul Walker's rap?
Wrapped around that tree.
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
Who betrayed Cheesus Christ?
Goudas.
What is a definition of tight?
A. Putting a blind man in a round room and saying, "Your dinner's in the corner."
Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.