Short jokes
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.
Why did the skeleton have no friends?
He was a boner!
Heheheh!
Ah, see ya soon kiddo.
I'm going on break.
I'll give you some fried snow later!
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side!
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call chill legumes?
Hippeas.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a small dog?
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
Sleep, but make it forever.
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.