Short jokes

Hey, I broke up with your girl.

-Me: What? Why?

Wait, what?

-Me: You f**ked her, so it's your baby.

Once, I tried to say, "P.P. That's funny right there." Instead, I said, you guessed it, "Penis!"

Look under...

Under where?

You just said underwear!

HOLY CRAP!!!

Crap with holes in it.

Get it? HOLE - Y?

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed!

"Wanna play the rape game?"

"No!!!!"

"That's the spirit!"

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

What are you good at?

Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Why does Jesus hate Skittles?

Because they fall through his hands.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Key.

Key who?

Key moo.

Uranus? More like urine is gassy! (Uranus is urine, by the way.)

You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?