Short jokes
"911, I just crashed my car. I think it's burning. I can't see. It hurts to breathe."
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
Give a blind kid a torch and tell him it's a hairdryer.
Why did UK want Northern Ireland for more s***?
Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.
Why did Russia put war on Ukraine for more nuts?
Me- *crying in the shower*
Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
Yo hairline so bad when people see it, they turn to stone.
Stand in the corner.
Why do black men have nightmares?
Because the only one that had a dream got shot.
This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.
If you say the word "gullible" slowly, it will sound like you're saying "orange."
How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?
Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.
Why are Chinese so good at jaywalking? Cause they can't tell the difference between green and red light with their tiny eyes.
Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?
So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.
Person: My left ear is ringing.
Friend: Then answer it!