Shes jokes

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

I tried to rape Amy Winehouse, but she said, "No! No! No!"

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.

Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.

Mom: Well, it’s my house.

Little Johnny: Then go clean it.

Mom: Go to school!

At school:

Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.

Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.

Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!

Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

Your mom smells so bad she could stun a horse in a field.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?

Because she's a woman.

Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.

It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.