Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?
"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
What does a perverted frog say?
"Rubbit."
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?
Both are lying when they say "I'm a real boy."
(I'm a trans man myself lol)
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
