Say jokes
I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.
When someone calls you gay, say:
"I'm straight, straighter than your hairline!"
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...
Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"
Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?
Because they are not going to work.
Q: What can't teachers say to orphans?
A: "I'm calling your parents!"
A kid went to visit his bully, and he says, "How's your face?" The kid says, "How's your parents?" and proceeds to walk out of the orphanage.
When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣
It hasn't been the same since Kobe died. I can't say "Kobe" anymore when going to shoot a shot. Now I have to say, "Kobe crash!"
"Go big or go home," that’s what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that’s what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that’s what I say.
Little William punched Little Johnny in the face. Then Little Johnny says, "If you do that again, I'm gonna turn your fucking nuts into coconut juice."
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
For being a big company, NASA is openly saying they want pictures of Uranus.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."