Say jokes

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.

What did the neutrino say to the planet?

"Just passing through."

What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

What did the salt say to the vinegar during the sweet and sour dynasty?

"STUPID VINIGGER!"

Boy: *scares girl*

Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"

Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*

Girl: What work?

Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"

What do you say to a depressed person?

"I like ya cut, G."

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

What did the sushi say to the bee?

"Wasuuubi!"

What did the cholo say when the house fell on him?

"Get off me, homes!"

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"