Say jokes

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

They were always saying "Bach, Bach, Bach". And his cows preferred Moo-zak.

They say there is power in numbers.

Tell that to the people in the Twin Towers.

Your hairline is running away faster than when your dad went to get milk, and that’s saying something.

A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"

And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."

And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"

And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.

What did the neutrino say to the planet?

"Just passing through."

What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

What did the salt say to the vinegar during the sweet and sour dynasty?

"STUPID VINIGGER!"

Boy: *scares girl*

Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"

Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*

Girl: What work?

Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"

What do you say to a depressed person?

"I like ya cut, G."

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"