Say jokes

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

Everyone has a good heart; they just don't know what to do with it. I say give someone some love. Hate is sooooo stupid. Love is soooo smart!

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, it just waved.

When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.

What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?

"Our souls will rain forever."

Two cunts were walking down the street.

One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

What did the fish say when seeing his best mate?

"I sea him!"

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

What did the computer say to the other computer? “Well, tech-ically we can’t talk.”

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

What did the letter A say to the letter B?

"Z" you later.

What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?

"To be and not to be."

These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

Q: What did one atom say to the other?

A: I have my ion you.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

They were always saying "Bach, Bach, Bach". And his cows preferred Moo-zak.