Say jokes

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?

"Feet! Feet!"

What did the orphan say to his dad last?

Please get non-fat milk!

What did the Teacher say to the orphan?

"I am calling your parents!"

They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. That's why orphanages exist!

Your sister is so ugly, she made Hello Kitty say goodbye.

If anyone's joke here says "burn in hell," I will mimic your account for the rest of your life.

What does a male Asian P*rnstar like to say?

"I love eating cat."

What did the tree say to the kid with the rope?

Nothing, he was hanging.

You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.

We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:

1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.

2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.

3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).

A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.

Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"

The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."

A pancake and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

What did the Titanic say while sinking?

"It's going down."

When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."

What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.