Say jokes

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?

"Hello, ladies!"

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.

What did Google Translate say to Siri?

"Why are you so Siri-ous?"

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

When the North Tower saw the South Tower collapse, he would say, "I'm still standing."

When the school shooter says to get on the ground, but the sped kid thinks it's Simon Says!

You know when people say a joke about living?

That's because we are all living a joke.

We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:

1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.

2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.

3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).

Q: What did the terrorist say during a plane flight? A: “Wow! This flight is the bomb!”

A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.

Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"

The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."